Spent the Night at a Friends and Was Awoken to Screams

First let me preference this by saying that my buddy J.T. is a great guy, but a little messy.  It isn't just J.T's fault as he lives with 2 other guys in a very nice older house.  The place is huge - has 5 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms and a big back yard.  Perfect place for a party.

And that is what they had, a big ass party! On Friday night, I headed over there with a few friends and when I got there at about 9 PM, there were about 40 people there, along with 3 kegs and a full bar.  By midnight, the party had grown to well over 100 people. Could have been 200 for all I know as I was already drunk!

To make a long story short, I met a cute brunette chick and we really hit it off.  J.T. offered up one of the 2 spare bedrooms that they use for storage and we proceeded to head in there to get to know each other much, much better.  Both of us being drunk, we fell asleep after a couple of rounds of some awesome, drunk sex - you know the kind when you have no inhibitions and are wild and free. I am pretty sure there are some things that she and I did that we never would have done sober.

Anyway, at about 5 AM I am awoken by the sound of screaming.  It is Jessica (That was her name, although I didn't catch her last name) who accidentally walked into a closet thinking it was the bathroom.  She turned on the light and this is what she saw:

OK, so now I know Jessica is scared of spiders...that is good to know since I am a prankster.  Since we were both up, we did a quickie and then back to bed.  

At about 9 AM, I needed to get going so I used the spider info to prank her into waking up.  I couldn't find the spider, so I just put a piece of lint on her face while asleep.  She started swatting at it, kind of opened her eyes.  I looked at her and said "Shit, it's the Spider!"  She literally jumped straight up and out of the bed swatting at her face.  I was just laughing.  She was not a happy girl.  She informed me that this might hurt my chances of getting a repeat performance in the future.  

The, before she left, she gave me her number and a long kiss, which led to one more quickie.  Then we went our separate ways.  I figure I will wait until Sunday night or Monday morning to call her.  I don't want to seem to eager. 

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Drunk

This one was also on MySpace years ago.  It is the companion post to yesterday's Hangover post.

What lucky, lucky little people you all are. You are all witnesses to my first ever drunk blog posting. For those of you who can't tell, this is me drunk. What? No, assholes. This ISN'T what I am always like. Drunk posting isn't good enough for you? Well - okay. I'll also share this little secret with you. I'm naked too. How's that for excitement? Drunk and naked and sitting at my computer.

I've been entertaining important people yesterday and today. For the most part this involves shit tons of drinking, listening to old, married men talk about picking up some "bitches," listening to 25 jokes that begin with, "did you hear about the jewish guy who. . . " and getting drunk under the table by 10, 60 year old men. (drunk under the table doesn't sound right. . . Is that right?)

All night tonight I thought of fantastic stories that I was going to tell. Now that I am home and drunk, I can't remember any of them. Oh, I remember one thing I was going to say. You know what happiness is? Sitting in a business meeting and seeing a conservative 28 year old business girl wearing a business girl suit stretch across a conference table to reveal a pink dental floss thong under her business girl suit. Nice. Very nice.

Well fuck me. Now I don't have anything else to say. Fuck it.

Why didn't I get that business girl's number today? I couldn't think of a good line at the end of the meeting. How many times do have to go out with someone before it is no longer okay to ask out a pink thong wearing business girl? Hmm. Maybe I was just kidding a few lines ago when I said something about asking that girl out. Yeah, that was a joke. Totally kidding about that.

You know what? I wish I could be drunk all of the time. Being drunk is fucking awesome. I don't know if you knew that or not. But it is. It rules, actually.

Okay, I sound stupid now so I'm hitting "publish post" and calling it a night.

Word to your collective mothers and such. (Jesus God, you would think being drunk would make me sound cooler and at least a little funnier).

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My Hangover

I wrote this on my ancient Blog I had in the mid-90's.  Actually, it wasn't a blog since that term probably wasn't even invented yet.  It was on my old MySpace page.  Remember that forerunner to Facebook?  Anyway, here it is.  Enjoy!

Monday morning is here. The hangover is just now starting to clear (but it's not gone yet). I was drunk from Wednesday night until Sunday morning. What a life I lead.

One story I forgot to share was about my hangover from Friday morning. A bunch of people went out to dinner Friday night. Actually, we went out for drinks at a restaurant it seems. It was me and 6 rich bastards. They were buying. We started at a hotel bar before dinner and I had 3 vodka tonics. (I don't know about you, but I have always heard the acceptable recipe for vodka tonic is 1 part vodka, two parts tonic. This bartender apparently liked to reverse that mixture). We were only there for a half hour. Then we went to the restaurant were I ate grilled shark with 2 more vodka tonics. By the time dinner was over I couldn't focus my eyes very well across the table. Dinner lasted two hours and everyone was shit faced. (I saw one guy leave a $200 tip on a $400 bill). We went to a another bar near the restaurant, where I decided I had already had too much to drink (so I switched to beer). 3 draft beers later and I could feel myself slumping in my chair.

When I got home, no big deal. I actually felt pretty good. I drunkenly played some guitar. I played with my doggy. (That is not a euphemism - I actually played with my dog), and then I sat down to watch some TV. That is when I realized things were bad. It was a TV spinning, nauseated, must close eyes before I fall out of my chair, kind of feeling. As I sat in my char in a shirt and tie with my eyes closed, I fell fast asleep (read: I passed out in my clothes in front of the TV). I woke up Friday morning at 5:00 a.m. with a pain in my back from sleeping in a straight up position. I sat there for 10 minutes trying to figure out what the hell happened.

Cue the vomit scene. That's right my friends, I threw up. Big time. Everything came up. (At one point I swear I saw a part of a fin). I did this two more times while getting ready for work. After the third vomit scene I started to feel better and drove in. I had a 9:00 meeting which I was required to attend. At 9:15 I politely excused myself from the meeting and walked calmly to the restroom where I vomited again. I wiped the tears from the eyes (I don't hurl pretty), popped a mint in my mouth, straightened the tie and returned to the meeting. My God, I am trooper. Eight hours later I was on my second beer and discussing which waitress at the bar had the best breasts.

Now I am not drinking again for two years. (or this Friday, whichever comes first). I have pain all over my body and my eyes are continuously bloodshot. That isn't going away for some reason. It is probably unrelated to the drinking. I bet I have eye cancer.

I need a drink.

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How Many People Are Thinking This...

...after a drunken night of partying on New Year's Eve?

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